My Own Top 10

"You know all the right people
You play all the right games
You always try to be
Everything to everyone"
--Everything to Everyone, Everclear

I was sufficiently inspired at the gym this morning by the sheer number of characters that walk in and out of that place on a daily basis. I'm only fortunate enough to see the 6-7:30 a.m. crowd, so I can't imagine the experience of working an entire day at a place like that. A little background here: I work out mornings at the 24-Hour Fitness on Pico, just a few blocks east of the Fox lot, which is quite convenient. I've belonged to two other gyms in the past--the YMCA in La Canada and the 24-Hour in Manhattan Beach--and neither come close to this one in character depth and quirkiness. With no further ado, I present my top ten characters at the gym:
10. Bad Spotter Guy
Since I work out by myself, pretty much tuning everyone and everything else out with my mp3 player, I occasionally do need a spot to complete that last difficult set of bench or whatever. It's not often that I'll call on somebody for assistance (more because I'm lazy than because I can lift a lot), but when I do, some discretion is very necessary. Bad Spotter Guy was enlisted once to help me (and I've seen him do it multiple times since) and I'm assuming that he has ADD, because there was no spotting going on whatsoever. He's talking to people walking by, bouncing up and down above my head, singing along to the music, doing anything and everything but helping me. After popping a few blood vessels in my head trying to knock out the final rep, I disgustedly returned the bar and thanked him for nothing. It's common courtesy, something everybody does for everyone else, but unfortunately, some guys just don't get it.
9. Kung-Fu-in-the-Dark Guy
The pathway from the locker room to the upper level of the gym itself takes one on an aerial tour of the racquetball and basketball courts, allowing for a bird's-eye view of the sports taking place therein. Normally it's a brotha casting up treys and missing badly or three or four old guys doing their best raquetball impression. Every couple of days I get an interesting surprise, however. The lights are out and there's a dude down there going through his Mr. Miyagi routine, with nobody else around and with no concept of his surroundings. Frankly, it's captivating. The guy has a long pony tail and looks like he might be American Indian, which sort of adds to the aura and mystique.
8. Oldy McBluehair
I really hope that when I'm old, I'll have the ability to go to the gym everyday. However, being able to go to the gym and actually going to the gym are two very different things. I have nothing against the elderly (most of them, anyway), but there are a few that really don't belong in this setting. There's one in particular who looks like he's about to pass out during every repetition, no matter the exercise. There have been numerous times where I'm just waiting for his arm to snap off during a curl or for his knee to pop out during a squat. Again, it's admirable to some degree, but it's a scary sight.
7. Bad Form Guy
There are multiple elements to this guy's charm: 1) he tries way too much weight; 2) he goes way too fast; and 3) he makes way too much noise in the process. Some people really do need to consult a professional (as many of the machines advise) before beginning a workout program. This guy, though he's much younger than Oldy McBluehair, also looks like he's about to lose a limb or a joint during his herky-jerky, grunt-emitting lifting sessions. One can't help but notice him, even when one's headphones are turned way up and one is lifting at the opposite end of the room. This guy is evidently practicing for his women's tennis soundtrack audition later this month.
6. "Hey Guy" Guy
There's always someone walking around saying hello to everyone, asking about everything, talking about everything in his own life, but I don't think he really knows any of these people at all. Other people's names never come out of his mouth; it's just "Guy" and "Bro" and "Chief." I don't like those names. I'm Scott, thanks. "Man" and "My Friend" don't work. "Sport" and "Buddy" are even less effective. It's nice to feel like you have some community there, I'm sure, but there's no need to pretend you know everyone and really care about everyone's deal. It's hard enough focusing on working out when there's good-looking girls around, which brings me to...
5. Hot Girl
Every gym has at least one, and unfortunately, during my shift, there is just one. But she is quite hot. Today marked the first time I've seen her outside the gym (just driving her car, but outside nonetheless) and she's definitely still hot. It's a fortunate break from all the testosterone and excessive maleness to have somebody to check out every once in a while. Fortunately, she utilizes quite a few of the same apparatii as I, so the sight lines are often quite clear. Mirrors are also a beneficial thing when attempting to look at a girl without being obvious, and the whole room is surrounded by them (and includes numerous mid-room mirrors as well), so I'm golden. I would ask her out--I've thought about it a few times--but I really think I want to preserve the purity of her being the hot girl at the gym. If we went out and it didn't work out, there wouldn't be any worthwhile distractions anymore, and I couldn't have that.
4. Poor Attire Selection Chick
This is my euphemistic way of referring to the girl who's a little on the portly side (or maybe a lot) and dresses like she's Kate Moss (or fill in the skinny celebrity of your choice). I don't know the female psyche well enough to completely understand this, but why would you want to work out looking like that? Maybe it's an incentive to keep going? I certainly don't want to be insensitive about this, because I know plenty of people who struggle with their weight, but it should just be a common courtesy thing, right? Too many times I catch something I definitely don't need to see with an accidental glance or a turn of the head. It shouldn't have to be my responsibility to avoid such unfortunate occurrences, that's all.
3. Worst Personal Trainer Ever Guy
This guy makes me laugh because he's in worse shape than the people he's working out. If you're going to be a personal trainer, at least invest a little time in your own physical fitness. There are three dudes who train while I'm there, and no fewer than two of them are obviously overweight--one I might even call obese. That's not okay. I don't go to personal trainers, but if I were to screen them, looks would have to be a huge factor. That's what we're going for here, right? Bulk and tone and all of that? I'm trying to think of a parallel in the professional world--maybe a financial advisor who's telling you to buy Google while he's still waiting for Enron to rebound in his own portfolio. Or a college counselor who dropped out of high school back in the day. It doesn't work. If I'm looking for someone to help get me physically fit, I just want some visible proof that you know what you're talking about, that's all.
2. Inappropropriate Lyrics Guy
Hilarious. And totally inappropriate. This guy makes up words to the songs that play in the locker room, singing them along (to himself and anyone that will listen) and then carries on conversations with himself using similar verbiage during breaks. He makes me laugh, but it's kinda sad. Here's an example of what I'm talking about: He sings this refrain to Jet's "Be My Girl" -- "Are you gonna be my slut?" Over and over. Then he starts talking to his slut when the song is over. So weird. "Let's Get it Started" becomes "Don't get me started" and then he explains what he shouldn't get started about in the aftermath. Amazing as it may seem, this is the same guy as...
1. Smooth Operator
Again a euphemism. This dude shaves his entire body every single day in that locker room. It's not normal. He takes one of those disposable Bics and starts sometime before 6 ('cause he's going when I arrive) and is still going at 7 (because that's when I get back in there after the workout) and he's still going at 7:30 (because that's when I leave). Nakedness is one thing--it's an obvious necessity in a shower setting--but he definitely takes it to the extreme. Hours and hours of it. Oh yeah, and his cologne (?) smells like orange tic tacs, no joke. I have no idea where you get something like that. Maybe at the Wonka factory? This guy truly has to be seen to be believed--he's starting to enter the Harv- Do Jun realm of unexplainable people. It's a tough list to crack, but he's got the credentials.
We're done.
So we get an e-mail with birthdays and anniversaries of famous events in sports every day and today is the nine-year anniversary of Mike Tyson's knockout of "Hurricane" Peter McNeely in Vegas after just 89 seconds. I'm laughing recalling McNeeley's New England accent promising to put Tyson in his "cocoon of horrah"--that's "horror" in Chowd-speak.
On another note, it's also the birthday of poet Ogden Nash. He died in 1971, but he would have been 102 today. Not exactly a household name, I know, but a solid poet nonetheless. Here are a few of my favorites:
"A jolly young fellow from Yuma
Told an elephant joke to a puma.
Now his skeleton lies
Under hot western skies.
The puma had no sense of huma."
...
"Candy is dandy;
But liquor is quicker."
...
"I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree;
Indeed, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all"
...
"Too clever is dumb."
...
By the way, the reason I know it's his birthday is that they told me on 91.5 this morning. That's classical music. That's KUSC. Does it make me a bad Bruin if I listen to KUSC? Classical is a nice way to ease into my mornings, and they are commercial-free (thanks to their listeners and the University of Southern California, home of the Keck School of Medicine), so I'm over any conflicts of interest the name might provide. Off to work.