Playoffs?

"Time is winding down, but only for this life
I want to be found enjoying the next life
I see leaves and they are starting to turn brown
But they'll be green and growing when the second season comes around"
--Second Season, Five Iron Frenzy

Since it's playoff time and since I haven't written in about a month--it really saddens me every time I start a new entry (as rare as that may be) and I have to realize that the last entry was at least three weeks ago--I'm going to ask a few questions, some of the rhetorical variety, and some of the more normal answerable type. On with it...
- Do the Lakers have a chance in the first round? Well Scott, glad you asked (I heard Barry Bonds use the third person in an incredibly annoying way yesterday--like there's any other way--and I wanted to see how it would feel to do it myself; I'm feeling dirty). They absolutely have a chance, and there are three big reasons:
- Amare Stoudemire: Anybody who watched last year's conference finals knows how ridiculous this guy can be--he almost singlehandedly won Game 4 with 31 points and a game-saving block on Duncan in the final 30 seconds, and he averaged 37 for the series. His absence is gigantic, because nobody else gives Phoenix a real inside presence, except for...
- Kurt Thomas: Confusing trade in the off-season, unloading last year's big bomber, Quentin Richardson, and picking up the former Knicks power forward, and now Thomas has been hurt for a couple weeks. If he's unable to return at full strength, there's no way the Suns will be able to hang with Lamar and Kwame down low (I can't believe I'd be viewing Kwame as an advantage at anything), but if he's back and able to give them 10 and 10, Phoenix should be in good shape.
- Kobe: Obviously. In the office last week, we had our playoff player points draft (10 guys, 6 players apiece; credit for every point scored by your guys in the entire playoffs, so there's equal parts team success and individual scoring ability considered--great concept), and I had the number two pick. After D-Wade went one, I had to go Kobe. If they win the first-round series, he could score 500 points and not even make the conference finals. A guy like Rip Hamilton, who went fourth overall (after Dirk), could win it all and still not score as many as two-series-Kobe. And if the Lakers go any further? Whoa. Anyways, his inclusion on this list, though quite overt, is necessary because he's the only player in the league who can shift the balance of a series on his own. If he's feeling it (and feeling like a teammate, at least sometimes), the Lakers (who have been playing as well as anybody the last month or so) could be very dangerous.
- Could this Duke lacrosse thing get any worse? Our stand-up guy, Brody Stevens (he warms up the audience for the show) said that he doesn't have a comment on the story, because, and I quote, "I don't follow lacrosse." Kinda funny, I guess, but the whole scenario is pretty awful for everybody involved. It's like all the work Coach K has done there in his 20-plus years has been negated, because right now (and for a while to come, unfortunately), the first thing people will think of when they think of Duke (and more specifically, Duke athletics) will be this ridiculousness.
- Could the writing of youth baseball and softball coaches in the La Canada area get any worse? I really hope that the answer to this question is no, because this week's stories are unbelievably bad. I hope to have time to include as many as possible (with a special cameo from an old friend):
- "The A's and Dodgers played an exciting game of baseball last night, with the Dodgers edging the A's in a nail-biter, 7-5" - this is like the way-too-often-overused golf announcer's friend, "that was a great golf shot". Duh. The loyal readers have assumed a few things when they've made the jump to reading these summaries, the first of which would be that they're reading about baseball.
- "Will orr had the fans screaming when he stole home with a face first dive in the 3rd inning" - I'm not sure if I should be scared about this or excited for the kid, you know? It just reads a little too gory, like the kid tore his face off or something (quick quote for Side's movie game: "You wanna face-off with Castor Troy?" -- anybody?). And I do think this coach needs to work with his kids on the fundamentals. I'm no Tom Emanski, but face-first doesn't seem to be the right way to do it, does it?
- "A tight game where pitching predominated...Schwartz batted .1000 with 2 walks" - Could he have meant 1.000? It would take a lot of at bats, probably more than you can get in a regulation youth baseball game, to hit .1000, and even if you did, it probably wouldn't be worth bragging about in the ensuing write-up, would it?
- "In the third inning, McAleenan reached the PCY asphalt for the first time this year with a two run shot" - just put that one in there for Side, for nostalgia's sake
- "...Dana then fired the ball to Niamh to catch another Wahine Surfer at second base to complete a TRIPLE PLAY. Woooww!!!" - I think I saw this line in Steve Henson's Dodger recap from last night. Whoever said there's no such thing as objective journalism?
- "The White Sox struggled to keep up with the fast pased Red Sox today. Our pitching was struggling along with our bats. The spring break (Coach Williams)" - ...evidently meant that Coach Williams wanted to take a break from typing the rest of his summary, which, if the first portion is any indication, would have been stocked with numerous spelling and grammar mistakes.
- "Defensively getting help from Don Pontrelli and Collin Ramini keeping the Yankee's close to the bag. Infielders Collin Ramani and Chris Knapp making put outs. The White Sox lost the game to the Yankee's but it was a very good game and each team should be happy with thier play. By the way this was a really fun game to watch also. (Coach Williams)" - That old Coach Williams is at it again, with pretty much the worst piece of writing I've seen since Miss Canavan's English class. Trust me, this is only the tip of the iceberg. The apostrophe in "Yankee's" defies description, the second sentence is more fragmented than a Handsome Boy Modeling School album, and the last line seriously looks like it was written by Coach Williams' seven-year old son, if not his cocker spaniel. Struggling...
- "Jonathan Lee augmented exemplary play at catcher with a lead off home run and perfection at the plate, going 3 for 3 (scoring all 3 times!); inspiring chants of 'Destroyer! Destroyer!' and earning the game ball in a game that featured several outstanding performances." - Do you really think people were chanting at this game? If so, how exactly do you chant "destroyer"? It doesn't exactly flow, does it? Of course, I don't want to knock this guy too much, because he did use "augmented" and "exemplary" in the same sentence, which is about two more polysyllabic words than the rest of the coaches could muster, combined.
(this next one is my favorite)
- "Both teams thought the game ended in a tie, until Leo re-instated a run for the Giants from the 3rd inning. If you're confused, you're not alone. Either way, it's not about winning and losing, when you lose. This was one of those youth sporting events that will be remembered for the many great plays by the kids, despite the many perplexing events. (Coach Stephens)" - Can't you just hear Jeese saying this? It's possible, nay, probable that this was not Jeff Stephens, but I'm choosing to believe that it is. It's way better that way...
- "The Cardinal offense exploded in the first inning, with consecutive singles by Papi, Tex, Ben-10, A.K., and Slugger resulting in 5 runs" - this is the same "Destroyer" guy, who obviously seems hell-bent on giving every kid in the sixth grade a nickname, no matter their objections. I can visualize poor Tex telling his evil coach, "But I don't wanna be Tex. I grew up in Riverside." And I'm hearing that A.K.'a parents have grown a little uncomfortable with their son's association to a semi-automatic weapon.
- "The Golden Retrievers fought hard and led for the first half of the game with great pitching from Meghan Lacey & Madison Witt. Meghan also hit a double combined with Delaney Brower's RBI to score the Retriever's one run, but bases were left loaded too many times on the third out for the team to win" - first of all, whoever decided to name a little girls' team after dogs is downright cruel. Second of all, does this allow the coach to use the b-word in talking to his/her players? Technically, that's what they all are, right? I should stop talking about this...
- "Also, Hannah Martinez came to play ball to support her team even with an injured toe!" - Well Coach, I guess we should just start putting young Hannah in the conversation with Willis Reed and Terrell Owens, shouldn't we? Courageous, undeniable spirit--I mean, her TOE was hurt, and she still showed up to the game?!? How is this even possible?!? Get HBO Real Sports on the phone and send Bryant Gumbel out to talk to Hannah, like today. America deserves to hear this story...
- "Unexpeced to play due to injury, Cox threw a no-hitter, striking out 10 and walking two over four innings" - there, now that's better (even though you can't spell "unexpected")

Due to time constraints, I'm forced to conclude this extended mocking session, but I'll do my best to write again this week. Leaving for Denver on Friday to produce an NBA Playoffs piece (Game 4 Nuggets-Clippers), which should be lots of fun; maybe time to write in the hotel or something, we'll see...